so, your friend just said a slur? you’re shocked, a bit confused, and maybe even really angry. what now, though? chances are this is someone you’ve come to really care for or perhaps even love. or maybe someone you’re just getting to know. is it worth educating them or should you ignore what you just heard? maybe you’d rather just never hang out with them again. the choice is ultimately yours to make, but here’s my take. about 75% of the time someone who is using a slur is fully aware of the impact of the word, and the social implications tied to it. with this in mind, you can often assume that people who carry on using slurs simply don’t care enough about the people they will inevitably offend. but, as i like to say, “assume good intent.” approach the situation with a leveled head so let’s run through some options.
option 1: educate them. this option requires that you use discernment in determining whether or not someone is ignorant to the language they’re using or if they’re just indifferent to the fact that it’s offensive. this can be a useful option if you’ve just recently met someone and don’t know enough of them to make assumptions about what they do and don’t know. ignorance must be met with education. period. it’s important to correct the people around you because they literally might not even know they’re wrong. and often, when people aren’t made to feel attacked or stupid, they are open to being educated. best case scenario, someone is able to walk away from the interaction with more information and you are able to walk away having kept a friend. for the sake of maintaining a sense of optimism, we won’t explore the worst case scenario.
option 2: ignore them. this is rarely an option. unless someone’s safety could be placed at risk, or you’re prioritizing your/someone else’s mental health– you should be advocating for what’s right. silence can be misconstrued as complacency or agreeance. and like i said, there are times when this has to be an option. sometimes there are people in our lives that we have to bear the burden of knowing that are willfully prejudice and there’s no point in trying. your maga grandpa who says he doesn’t have pronouns is not going to care about the history of the slur you’re attempting to educate him on. your misogynistic cousin who spews hateful rhetoric will not care about the impact that the word he’s using has on a particular group of people. and in those cases, you kinda just have to ignore them. disengage, not only with the conversation, but with them altogether. these are people who need to be alienated for their behavior. ignore them as often and as passionately as you can. best case scenario, they disappear. (eventually)
option 3: express shock. this option, is a good way to segue into the first option. but honestly, you’ll find that if you take this route, you probably won’t even have to. as i said before, most people are fully aware of the fact that they are using a slur. simply being met with reactions of disapproval or disdain will immediately prompt them to start apologizing and excusing their behavior. “oh, wait– not like that!” or “i’m sorry, i meant it in a different way”. one time a white coworker said n*gga in front of me and then proceeded to apologize saying how she never uses the word….despite having just said it in casual conversation. i can’t even tell you how many times i’ve used this option when someone around me says f*ggot, and the reactions are always the exact same. i can’t emphasize enough that these people are, on some level, aware that they shouldn’t be using the word. best case scenario, they’ve made it clear that they’re not misinformed, just weird. and now you can make a decision on how you’d like to move forward with them in your life.
now, if there’s absolutely anything you take away from all of that, please let it be that you should be prioritizing your mental health. when advocating for yourself and others, it can often mean taking on the role of an educator. and at the end of the day, it’s not inherently your responsibility to teach someone not to be a shitty person. on top of the fact that information has never been more accessible, it’s literally 2024. there are some things that have to be common knowledge, otherwise we’re just wasting time teaching common sense. use your discernment because you won’t change everyone. some people are never going to change, but there’s an even more insidious group of people who are hoping that you waste time trying to get them to. that goes into another point that i have about one of the many functions of systems of oppression, but i’ll save it for later. until next time,
xoxo
frankie.
